Destruction!  The Obligatory Halloween Fic!
by Diresquirrel
Summary: The Slayers  via costumes  arrive in Sunnydale!  Property damage and hilarity ensues.
1. The Scourge of Sunnydale!

**Destruction! A visit to Sunnydale!**

Buffy is owned by Mutant Enemy and company.  
Slayers is owned by Hajime Kanzaka and company.

Thanks to Janessa Ravenwood for beta reading!

And yes, I posted this because it's the day after Halloween, and so it's the time for things like this.

* * *

"So Xander, what costume are you picking out?" Buffy beamed brightly.

"I was thinking of basic soldier. A fake gun, some old fatigues, a little fun and it could work," their taller friend replied, brandishing a fake laser pistol. "Two dollar costume king!"

"Oh wait, look at – wait, I wanted that!" Buffy reached out in vain as a young woman took the princess costume she had just noticed.

"Buffy, I think she had already claimed it, and it's not like there aren't other costumes," Willow chided awkwardly. Buffy began her premium pout until a tall British man appeared behind them.

"Ah, the dress, perhaps I could find something else for you?" Ethan asked innocently.

"I really wanted it," Buffy pouted, but the damage was already done, the costume was sold. Ethan motioned her over to another rack.

"What about this one, eh? I understand it's a dragon priestess costume. I got it in a shipment from Japan," he said, snatching a flowing set of white and pink robes off of a rack. "I believe they call it 'cosplay.'"

Buffy pressed the costume up against her. It wasn't a princess dress, but it had its own elegance. It was beautiful. Flowing white robes, a pink silk dress and petticoats. "Aw…, I couldn't possibly pay this much."

He motioned to two other costumes. "If you each buy another from the set, I'll give you all a discount. What say you?" Buffy gave her two friends a super pout. Xander, predictably, melted.

"Okay, what's the other costume?"

"This one here is a Prince costume," Ethan said motioning to a cream-white costume with a flowing cape and a blue sash.

"What do you think ladies? Think the Xan-man could pull off a dashing prince?" Xander asked with a flourish.

"Yeah right, Xander," Willow chided, nudging him with her elbow. Xander rubbed his side in mock pain. "A prince with a middle name like Laval?"

"She's right, you're not exactly what people think of as a prince," Buffy said.  
"Fine! I'm just going to prove you both wrong," he said, grabbing the costume off the rack. "I'll take it!"

"Now you, young lady, what would you like,?" Ethan asked, leaning down a bit to her eye level.

"Oh, I'm a ghost. I don't do the whole flashy thing. Flashy plus me makes spaz," Willow practically stuttered.

"Willow, the discount," Buffy practically whined. She pouted again, this time directing it at both her friends. Once again, Xander caved first.

"Come on Wills, join the club," her Xander shaped friend pleaded.

"This one is a beautiful sorceress costume," Ethan suggested.

"It's like you'll be meeting us part way," Buffy said. "A little bit of wild, but no bare skin. It's got that nice little turtleneck and the flowing cape, even a little sword."

"Okay, fine."

"Yeah!"

* * *

Buffy opened the door to let Xander in. "Xander, you do clean up nice." She was referring to his costume. It took advantage of his height and broad shoulders which were then enhanced by his shoulder guards. "I am proven wrong, you can pull off the princely garb."

"Thank you, thank you," Xander paraded around to show off the full deal. "All I need now is a white horse and I'd be sweeping damsels off their feet and defeating evil witches."

"What do you think?" Buffy made a little pirouette to show off. Her blond hair was done up in round balls on either side of her head but the wig fell down to her ankles. Her robs flowed around her like waves. "Not bad for a second choice, am I right?"

"You are right, Priestess Buffy, let me worship at your feet!" He started to kneel, but Buffy caught him and dragged him back up.

"Wait till you see Willow."

"Beautiful Sorceress style?"

"Oh, it's perfect for her-"

"Okay, I'm ready, here I come," said Willow from upstairs.

"-If she were going as a ghost. _Again._"

Buffy looked up the stairs, to sure enough, see Willow walking down dressed in a white sheet with eye-holes and **Boo!** plastered across the front. "Nice boo you got there."

"I'm ready, really."

"The ghost really needs to go," Buffy said. Beside her, Xander crossed his arms and nodded in agreement.

"But-It's like a security blanket, except without all the you know, extra protection," She squirmed under her friends' gazes. "I'll take it off."

She pulled off the sheet and displayed a perfect costume. "Willow! You look great. Now we can't be late for our punishment for walking past Snyder, now can we? Let's go get dragged around by little kids on sugar highs!"

* * *

Several hours later, Cordelia, dressed in a cat girl outfit, burst into the library. The costume was a little worse for wear and the girl seemed quite distraught.

"Cordelia, what in heaven is the matter?"

"Giles! Willow and Buffy are blowing up the town!"

"What? I'm afraid I do not quite understand," the watcher muttered, cleaning his glasses.

"I went and bought this nice costume and then all the little kids turned into monsters and then Buffy and Willow started blowing up the town. Xander's just standing on roof tops and chuckling," Cordelia said, picking at the shreds of her costume. "I mean he sometimes screams out something about "_good will to all men punch"_ and then decks some monster, but it's mostly pronouncing stuff."

"You wouldn't happen to mean 'announcing' would you?" Giles asked.

"Yeah, whatever. And then there's Harmony. I don't know what happened to her, but she's gone totally crazy, she's just wearing a black thong and bikini with skulls and a cape and a long black wig," Cordy said with some exasperation. "I know she isn't nearly as rich as me, or as pretty, and she is really, you know, stupid, but I mean, wow! Fashion disaster! I don't know what possessed her! And she's going around calling Xander _Daddy_, laughing at the top of her lungs with this really creepy laugh, and Willow's calling her goldfish poop! It doesn't make any sense at all. I mean really, why that costume of all of them?"

"Poor fashion choices aside, you say that their behavior has changed," Giles asked.

"Yes, that's what I'm telling you!"

"When did this happen?"

"When we were taking the kids out trick-or-treating. I am _SO_ not doing this again next year," Cordy said with some finality.

"How were they blowing things up?"

"I don't know, magic spells or something. Willow keeps yelling 'Fireball!' and 'Dragon!' something. All I know is half the town is in ruins," Cordy said, throwing her hands up in the air. "I can't believe you haven't heard the noise."

"I was enjoying a good book, actually," Giles replied, motioning to the tome on the table. "I get rather absorbed."

"Well, come on! They need to be stopped before they get to my house!"

"Very well, we shall have to find them."

* * *

"_FIREBALL!"_

"Lina, are you sure we should just be destroying everything?" Filia asked quietly to her friend. "These people are under a spell."

"Aw, it's perfectly fine, I mean, only a few people have died and they went poof-dust and that suggests to me that they weren't exactly human, if you catch my drift," Lina replied. "I'm just keeping the situation under control."

"OH…HO-HO-HO-HO-HO! Lina! I'll show you what a real sorceress can do," Naga proclaimed. Lina grumbled under her breath. "_Freeze Arrow!"_ Seven little demons were instantly frozen.

"Good work, Gracia, fighting Evil is every princesses' job! Lady Filia, have you found the source of the magical disturbance?" Prince Phil asked gruffly. Lina had almost instantly recognized the telltale signs of a magical curse placed on the costumed party goers.

"I think I have traced it to the center of town," the dragon priestess replied. "I think that we can solve this when we get closer."

"We must fight this Evil with Honor, Justice and Strength!" Prince Phil proclaimed, flexing a muscle.

"I know Daddy, but really, you and I could take care of this ourselves," Naga said, glancing down at Lina.

"I still can't believe Amelia and THAT are related," Lina grumbled, pointing to Naga.

"OH…HO-HO-HO-HO-HO! You lowborn peasant, Lina, you know I am far superior in both skill and beauty! And you're so flat-chested it just doesn't even become a contest," Naga taunted with a hand over her mouth. Lina growled and stalked forward.

"Let's just get this done," the beautiful, extra-petite sorceress snarled.

* * *

"Spiky, don't go out there. Miss Edith says there's bad things out there," Drusilla said, tugging on Spike's arm.

"What's the matter, Luv? I was just going to pick up something to eat," the bleach blond vamp asked.

"Fiery death awaits," Drusilla said under her breath.

"What's that Pet? It's Halloween, the most boring day of the year," Spike protested. "Did my Luv have a vision?"

"Chicken tastes like strudel tarts," Drusilla replied.

"Come on, Luv, tell me."

"Bad things outside. Spiky should wait until tomorrow," she said, tugging on his arm. Suddenly the entire building shook and a red glow appeared across the street.

"I think you might be right," Spike said appreciatively.

* * *

"This is certainly odd," Xellos mused. The mysterious priest walked through the chaos with a bemused look on his face. The demons and other creatures instinctively avoided him, acknowledging him as the greater power. When the mazoku walked out of the park and saw the destruction of the town he scratched his cheek. "Oh dear. It looks like Lina and her friends came to visit."

"Perhaps I should see what they're up to," the mazoku said to himself with a smile. His form blinked for a moment and seemed to shimmer as he teleported away.

* * *

Ethan was sitting in his shop, enjoying a cup of tea and the chaos outside. He watched as people filed by spreading chaos in their wake. Chaos and a nice profit. Things worked out well in the end.

That was, until a quartet of his customers walked up to the door. The redhead called out something and suddenly the entire storefront disintegrated.

"Oh, bloody hell!" He glanced at the intruders and then at Janus. "Sorry, Janus old boy, it's me or you." Before the quartet could get inside, he ran to the back room and tried to smash the statue. He was a little too late and the force of a spell hit him just as the statue was in reach. His body protected it from destruction.

"Oh my," Xellos said as he teleported in. "Still up to the same old tricks. Oh, _you're_ here." Filia growled at the mazoku in annoyance and rage, hiked up her skirt and pulled out a frighteningly over-sized mace. It vaguely resembled an eggplant with spikes and a handle.

"_Xellos,"_ the dragon priestess said with such venom it should have made paint peel. "How horrible it is to see you."

"The feeling is mutual." Lina pushed their heads apart.

"Okay, that's enough," She growled.

"Oh Lina, your friends are so lowborn. They don't have an ounce of nobility in them. OH…HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!" Naga proclaimed with a hand covering her mouth.

"Naga, you moron. Xellos is a mazoku and Filia is a golden dragon," Lina growled. "Let's get back to business of canceling the spell?"

"Break the statue," was the broken, feeble answer from beneath Xellos' feet. They looked down to see the storekeeper. Xellos was standing on his head, but Ethan still held the two-faced sculpture in his hands. "Would you please get off my head?"

A broken sculpture later, five high school students blinked as they shook themselves from their possession.

"So, you guys watch Slayers too?" Jonathan asked the Scooby Gang and Harmony. He was still holding his Xellos staff.

"What's Slayers?" The other four asked in complete confusion.

"Is everyone alright?" The five turned to see Giles and Cordelia run into the shop.

"Yeah, Giles, we broke the spell," Willow said, scratching her head.

"The shopkeeper, what's his name, Ethan, helped us break it," Buffy said. She was so confused, she didn't spot the dark look on Giles' face. "How'd you find us?"

"We followed the trail of destruction, duh!" Cordy said, pointing to the considerable number of fires and wreckage outside. "What were you guys on, really? Drugs or something?"

"It was like I was right here all along, but couldn't do anything," Xander said, plucking at his costume. "It was like we became our costumes."

"Where is Ethan now?" Giles asked, struggling to keep his voice from turning into a growl. The seven people glanced around to see the shopkeeper gone.

"He…kinda…slipped out?" answered Jonathan sheepishly. No one noticed Giles' fists clench.

* * *

Over the next few weeks Jonathan and Harmony started showing up in the library more often and were almost apprentice Scoobies. It was more than a little disturbing, because Harmony was still mostly Naga the White Serpent and still occasionally referred to Xander as "daddy." Every time it happened, Xander threw up in his mouth a little.

* * *

**Several Weeks Later:**

Buffy awoke to see Angel getting dressed. The night before had been incredible. Her first time, and, more importantly, her first time with him. It was a little shocking to see Angel just getting dressed and walking about.

"What's the matter?"

"Oh, you're awake," Angel said, glancing over his shoulder.

"You don't look too happy," Buffy said. "Was I not very good?"

"No, you were pretty good," Angel replied. "Actually, I almost thought you were a professional."

"What?" Of all the answers that was the biggest surprise.

"You know, a whore?"

Buffy saw red.

"_YOU BASTARD!" _she bellowed as she reached into her garter._  
_

"Wait a minute Buffy! Where'd you get that mace?"

Buffy, in a fit of rage, bludgeoned her lover with a mace larger than her head. Angel flew through the ceiling, through the next floor and through the roof. He landed on the outskirts of town in a rather large impact crater.

"Ow," Angelus said.

* * *

**A while later:**

"Slayer, let me remind you, no weapon forged can destroy me," the Judge taunted callously. Behind him, Angelus grinned and Drusilla practically bounced with anticipation. The Scooby Gang was standing in the center of a room with the crossbow they had just used to distract the Judge.

"I just had to distract you while people got out of the way," Buffy said with a shrug. Sure enough, people were running for their lives.

"This cannot save them! I shall destroy you and continue on to the rest of the world when you are gone," the Judge laughed.

"_Fireball!"_ Willow snarled, throwing out her hand and a ball of flame flew at the judge. Angelus and Drusilla wisely ran away before they could be caught in the blast.

The Judge laughed at the feeble attempt as the sprinklers turned on, wetting everything down.

"Little witch, it will take more than a common spell to harm me," He commented haughtily. Willow scowled at him for a split second, but it vanished as she thought of another.

"Fine, I'll just have to use an _uncommon _spell," Willow said with a smile. There was an evil glint in her eyes when she said it. She meditated a moment before she started to glow. "_Darkness beyond Twilight…"_ Xander, Buffy, and Jonathan felt a shock of fear run through them. Stunned, they shared one horrified glance.

"Everybody run!" Screamed Buffy, trying to get the mall shoppers to run a little faster.

"_Crimson beyond blood that flows…"_

"Faster grandma! Crap! We're all gonna die," panicked Xander.

"_Buried in the Flow of Time…"_

Angelus looked at Willow and the Scoobies' reactions, then looked at the judge (who didn't seem afraid) and then at Drusilla, who looked very, very afraid. He picked his childe up and started running.

"_In Thy Great Name…"_

Buffy forcibly picked up Giles and Jonathan and started running.

"_I pledge myself to Darkness!"_

The Judge started to slowly walk towards the witch with no sense of haste.

"_Let all the foes who stand before us be destroyed!"_

The energy ball in Willow's hands started to grow and spiral. The rest of the Scooby Gang ran for their lives.

**"_DRAGON SLAVE!"_**

The next day Buffy joined the wake for the Sunnydale Mall.

* * *

**Several Weeks after that:**

"Xander, Xander," Angelus said. "You really shouldn't walking alone at night, you never know who might be looking for a little snack."

"Dead-boy, how unpleasant to see you," Xander said, upping the snark to hide his fear.

"I've got a message for Buffy."

"I'm not your messenger boy," Xander growled.

"I think you've got the wrong idea, Xander," Angelus said in an apologetic tone. "You see, you're going to be the message." Xander dodged as Angelus lunged for him.

"_THOUSAND HANDS OF FREEDOM STRIKE!"_ Angelus felt Xander's fists hit him in the chest more times than should be possible before he went flying. Angelus crashed into a house through the roof. He wasn't invited in, so he bounced, skipping across the roof and out of sight, hitting four more houses in the process like some form of demonic vampire pinball. Xander looked down at his hands with more than a little confusion.

"What-in-hell-was-that?" he muttered to himself. Glancing around, he started running to a safe haven.

* * *

**Early That Summer:**

Angelus was stopped in time by a quick mace strike to the face. Buffy then bound him with a Holy Spell she remembered. Willow cast the spell that shoved the soul back into Angelus and then gave both Spike and Drusilla back their souls. After that, a quick Dragon Slave on the beach and Acathla was no more. Angel's immortal progeny were currently bemoaning their acts in Angel's apartment.

Kendra, living again after a quickly cast Resurrection spell, went back to Jamaica, taking Mr. Pointy with her. Her watcher fainted when she told him about what the Sunnydale crew did on a regular basis. The Scooby gang, on the other hand, went back to patrolling the town.

"You know, if you don't kill the vamps right off, you can make a lot of money," commented Willow as she rifled through the pockets of an unconscious vamp. There were ten of them all stretched out, clamped to the ground by Earth Spells. Since Halloween, her redheaded friend had become much more greedy. Willow was making sure nothing valuable was being destroyed by random dustings. "I get about five hundred bucks more a week by doing this."

"Do you have to take their clothes too?"

"You kidding?" Willow looked at the Slayer like she was crazy. "I'm the biggest supplier for the thrift shop industry in Sunnydale. That's a lot of money."

Buffy just sighed and sat down next to her mace until Willow was finished.

* * *

"Willow," Oz said tersely. The redheaded sorceress raised an eyebrow to look at the neo-werewolf.

"What's up?"

"Please don't ever call me Dillgear again."

* * *

**A few months later:**

"Rupert, I do not understand why you refuse to prepare your Slayer for The _Cruciamentum_," Quentin Travers said to the Watcher. "This is not something that can simply be avoided."

"It is not a matter of avoiding it," Rupert Giles said to his superior. "I just do not feel it is going to change the matter any. Buffy will win with no trouble at all."

"I am glad you have confidence in your Slayer's ability, but everything changes when the strength is gone," Travers replied testily.

"You do not understand," Giles argued, cleaning his glasses with a huff. "I believe Buffy has not used her full strength in months."

"Then her resourcefulness must be tested even more," Travers said with a grin. Giles just rolled his eyes.

"Fine, do your bloody test," he said, storming into his office. "But you had better not let her friends know."

"Why is that?"

"Because you won't make it back to the airport, much less back to England," came the reply. Behind the door, Ripper Giles grinned at the thought of Willow and Xander getting their hands on Quentin Travers. "I should probably call them and let them know. The bloody test won't last more than five minutes anyway."

* * *

**At the Sunnydale Arms House:**

"Hey, little girl."

Buffy turned to see a huge vampire standing in the door way. It was the same face she had seen in the photo with her mother.

"I have to thank the Watcher's Council on this one, you're gonna be tasty," Zachary Kralik said with a lick of his lips.

* * *

**1.3 minutes later:**

"Where's my mother?"

_"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"_

"That's _not _what I asked!"

"She's in the basement!"

"Thanks," Buffy said, a moment before muttering a spell and letting the serial-killer-turned-vampire join the dust on the floor. A minute after that she was untying her mother from the chair.

"Oh, Buffy, I'm glad you're alright," Joyce said, giving her daughter a hug.

"No problems! It is very much of the good," Buffy replied with a grin.

"Oh, Buffy, it looks like there's another vampire coming in the door," Joyce said.

"Sheesh. They can't all be in the same place so I can dust them at once," the blond girl grumbled. "_Assha Dist!"_

"So, what do you want for dinner," asked Joyce.

"I was thinking a turkey," Buffy pondered as they walked outside. Buffy blasted the door open with a spell she had learned from Willow. "And a few bags of potatoes, a couple of gallons of milk, a few pounds of stuffing, a couple of…" Several minutes later, Buffy was done listing food. It was like having thanksgiving for thirty people. "Well that's what I want," she finished. "What do you want for your portion?"

"I have to say, I'm glad you and Willow are taking the money from those vampires," Joyce said with a laugh. "I couldn't afford to feed you on a gallery owner's salary."

"What can I say? Slaying makes me hungry."

* * *

**Several thousand feet above Sunnydale at that very same moment:**

Quentin Travers awoke to find himself hovering several thousand feet above Sunnydale. As he frantically glanced around, he realized the reason he was hovering in the air several thousand feet above Sunnydale was a certain perturbed redhead who had ahold of his ankle. A black haired young man and a well endowed, scantily dressed woman hovered nearby as well.

"Hi, Mr. Travers," Willow said with a smile Lina Inverse usually used right before casting a Dragon Slave. "We want to talk about your actions these past couple of days."

"_Let me down!"_

Willow shared a look with Xander and Harmony. Harmony cackled in her usual way. Xander shrugged.

"Far be it from me to deny his request for Justice!"

Willow looked back down at the Head Watcher. Then she shrugged.

"Okay," she said as she let go. Quentin Travers, head of the Watcher's Council and general everyday prick, spiraled down towards Sunnydale with a scream. The hovering trio watched him fall from the sky for a long moment.

"You know, we should probably catch him," suggested Xander.

"Do we have to?"

"Yeah, I think we should."

* * *

"You know, what? I wish they'd never chosen those damn costumes!" Cordelia said, annoyed with the Scourge of Sunnydale.

"Done!" said the suddenly veiny faced Anya.

The next moment, Cordelia found herself making out with Xander in a janitor's closet. "I'm dating Xander? You made things worse!"

When she got into the Library, Buffy was playing with swords and Willow was making lovey eyes at the werewolf. Then she found out a slayer named Faith had gone all Quisling on the Scoobies and killed some guy. Oh, and Angle was crazy, Jenny Carpenter was dead and Kendra was too. Oh, and half the swim team were fish-men.

Later, Cordy summoned up the poor vengeance demon. "You need to change things back!"

"How can you say the other world is any better? How can you -_herk!_" Anyanka said as Cordy grabbed her by the necklace and started strangling her.

"LET ME GO BACK!" Cordy said as she slammed a large rock on the vengeance demon's head. She missed once and smashed the stone. A second later she found herself alone in the library with a big rock in her hand. She looked out into the night and saw the familiar red glow of vampire lairs burning in the night. The ground shook as another demon exploded off in the distance. Yeah, pretty much everything was better than a world where she was dating Xander.

* * *

**At the Sunnydale Class of 1999 Graduation:**

"_DRAGON SLAVE!"_ screamed Willow.

"_HOLY REZAST!"_ commanded Buffy.

"_ELMEKIA FLAME!"_ laughed Harmony the White Serpent.

The Mayor didn't know what hit him.

Xander cleaned up by leading the troops using all of his Warrior of Justice powers to lead the righteous fight. There were two casualties. There would have been one, but Wesley fell on his face and got trampled by escaping vampires.

* * *

"Jonathan, I have been wondering," Giles said later that summer. He had started becoming closer to Jonathan and had been considering training him as a Watcher even. "The others tend to use their powers on a regular basis, I am curious as to why you do not."

Jonathan simply smiled a tricky smile and wagged a finger. "Now, _that_ is a secret!"


	2. Season 4

**Season 4**

* * *

Buffy is owned by Mutant Enemy and company.  
Slayers is owned by Hajime Kanzaka and company.

* * *

The summer after Sunnydale High had been blown sky high had been a quiet one. Demons, vampires and the assorted other forces of darkness were starting to understand the Hellmouth was not as friendly as it once was. At the same time, the interest in magic and the occult had skyrocketed. Not to mention sales of a certain Japanese animated series were doing remarkably well in Southern California.

The Slayer Gang had done well these past few months. Aside from removing Giles' work place from existence, it had been a fruitful summer, with plenty of time spent on practice and honing of skills. However it was now time for the school year to begin and there was one demographic who was ecstatic for college to start. This demographic consisted of the Parents of the Slayer-Friends. One of the most wonderful ideas in their mind was the concept of All-You-Can-Eat cafeterias on the university campus. $2000 might seem like a hefty chunk of change to most people, but for Joyce Summers, that could be a meal's worth of food if Buffy invited her friends over. Sunnydale University would not know what hit them. Joyce was careful not to look too excited for Buffy to head to college, but Buffy matched her excitement, though for different reasons.

"Buffy, you be careful on campus," Joyce cautioned. "College is very different from high school."

"I know Mom," Buffy said with exaggerated ire. "You've only said that five hundred times this summer."

"I know, I know," Joyce said, laughing just a bit. "But Buffy?"

"Yeah Mom?"

"Try to keep Willow from destroying the college."

"I'll do my best."

* * *

Xander got back to Sunnydale after a summer stuck in Oxnard. As exciting as it might sound, working in a strip club was one of the creepiest things he had ever done. It was not the usual way of a Warrior of Justice to wash dishes in a seedy hole, but on occasion these things must happen. He had just filled in for a sick man (it was always an act of Justice to assist the ill and unhealthy) for a single week and had been able to return to wonderful Sunnydale. The women there seemed very pleased that he had done such a selfless act. But now he found himself in his parents' basement, banished from his normal room.

"Hi Daddy."

Xander had a sudden flash of fear, but gathered himself and spun around to see Harmony the White Serpent dressed in her usual garb of thong, skulls and cape. He was still amazed the Cordette/Sorceress was not constantly cold.

"Harmony! I told you not to call me that!"

"But Da-Xander!"

"I'm not your father! We're the same generation!" Both turned to the sudden pounding on the cellar door. Xander looked up and yelled to the drunken man on the other side. "Sorry Dad! Harm's over."

"Oh, is that grampa?"

"Don't call him that!"

* * *

Buffy had helped Willow get into her new room with relative ease. At this point, neither one worried about secret identities. Figuring that since they flew to school, blew up both the mall and the mayor post-snakify, their attempts at keeping things a secret were pretty much pointless. So Buffy just hefted the large boxes with Slayer strength and ignored the stares and used the stairs.

"Thanks Buffy," Willow said as she glanced about the dorm room. It really wasn't set up for the best use of space. With a quick arcane phrase muttered under her breath, the beds were flying around and the bed sheets tightened themselves around the mattress. Clothing flew out of boxes and folded themselves before resting in the bureau. A few moments later everything was put away. "So, are we going to the Bronze tonight?"

"Yeah, I was hoping we could get the Gang together and do something post-high school," Buffy said with a shrug. "Want to go get something to eat?"

"Yeah, I'm starting to get a little hungry," the redheaded sorceress replied. Both walked out the door, still ignoring Willow's roommate who stood stunned just outside the door having witnessed everything.

* * *

"Buffy! Willow!" Jonathan and Amy called them over to a table. The local cafeteria was not very full since it did not have the best reputation for quality of food. For the Slayer Gang, quantity was more important than quality. This happened to be the only all-you-can-eat location on campus.

Jonathan and Amy had stayed close to the core group even though they did not appear to have the same kind of power as the rest of them. Amy was catching up and had a different skill set from the rest of them. Her talents of Witchcraft were in a different field from Willow's Sorcery or Buffy's White Magic. Transformations, identification, Charms and Curses were Amy's talent, and though she lacked the raw destructive power of Willow's Sorcery, her talents had become invaluable on several occasions. There had been a brief period after Hansel and Gretel had stirred things up in town where Amy had lived as a rat, but that had only taken a couple of weeks to solve. Jonathan did research mostly. He didn't seem to have any of the abilities of the rest of them, but the others hypothesized that to be because Xellos' abilities were biologically based, not magically based and Jonathan's body couldn't send out that same kind of power. In the past year, there had been something growing between him and Amy and though it was never mentioned aloud.

"We'll take two of everything," Willow said to the servers. When kitchen workers looked confused Willow explained in a tone one usually used when speaking to children or the very "special" people. "Oh, by that I mean each."

Slayer strength was needed to carry their meal back to the table. Once there the two proceeded to devour it all at a pace few mortals could match. Soon they went back for seconds and then for thirds.

"So what have you two been up to?" Buffy asked Amy and Jono.

"We've been working on a couple of projects, enchanting items and stuff," Amy said with a grin. "We made a bag of holding."

That was Jonathan's influence. Amy had barely even heard of Dungeons and Dragons until she and Jonathan had started spending time together. Now they were trying to make everything from the Dungeon Master's Guide magic item section. Buffy had even heard Amy sound excited to get the new edition being put out that year. Now it was rubbing off on the rest of the Scooby Gang, yes, even Buffy the former cheerleader herself. But still, the whole thing gave Buffy the willies.

"So what's a bag of holding do?" She decided to go with the Dumb-Blond-Routine™.

"Oh, it's a bag that's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside," Amy said, proving how much Jonathan had rubbed off on her. The girl was positively beaming with pride.

"And it weighs much less," Jonathan put in. "You could carry your entire armory and it could fit in something the size of a backpack."

"How about a purse?" Accessories are important. "Prada?"

"Oh-I –ah," Jonathan stammered, surprised at the question. "Yes, I guess you could."

"Great! I need something to keep my mace in," Buffy flashed a smile at the two of them and proceeded to eat. A few brief minutes later, the food was gone and Buffy looked much the same as before she ate. Licking her lips, she grinned. "That was a nice snack."

"Once again you amaze everyone with your appetite," Amy said with a smirk, noting the attention the feast had garnered. Buffy just waves her away.

"That was nothing. Though, I'd love to stay and chat, we've got a class in ten minutes," She grabbed her books and stood up and Willow followed. "Hey, we're meeting Xander at the Bronze tonight, care to join us?"

"I'm there," said Amy with some finality and a grin. The way she grabbed Jonathan's hand said he was coming as well.

"I'll see you both later. I've got to go meet my roommate," Jonathan said, slipping out of the grasp. Giving Amy a shy smile, he slipped around the corner and paused as if listening to something. He smiled and shook his head. "No, Lady Beast Master, they don't suspect a thing."

* * *

Willow did her got her books, went to her classes, ate her dinner (all twelve courses), and went back to her dorm room. The party was in full swing without a place to sit. The noise was deafening. Franticly, the redhead made her way over to her roommate's side.

"TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!"

"WHAT?"

"TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!"

"NO! IT'S MY PARTY!"

"NO! IT'S MY ROOM!"

"FUCK OFF!"

"_FIREBALL!"_

Grinning in victory, Willow turned off the radio.

And then the sprinklers started spraying.

* * *

"Willow," Buffy said, her arms crossed across her chest. She was soaked from head to toe and was clearly not amused. In fact, the entire dorm population was soaked and not amused. A small, but prominent, vein bulged on the blonde Slayer-Priestess' forehead.

"It's not my fault! She wouldn't turn down the music!" Willow said, waving her arms around as if to pantomime the crime.

"That's not an excuse," was the Slayer's terse reply. She let the vein bulge even more.

"But-"

"But nothing!" Buffy screamed, pointing right in Willow's face. _"You can't go blowing up your roommates!"_

Suddenly a whole bunch of people was looking at them. Buffy glanced around and chuckled nervously.

Buffy quickly pulled the sorceress off to the side. "You can't go doing that!" she said in a hissed whisper. "I mean, my roommate's a demon and I didn't blow her up."

"You're roommate's a demon? Haven't you told Giles?"

"Not yet, I just met her today," Buffy whispered. "The music was a dead giveaway."

"See! The music was a perfect justification," Willow argued.

_"No it's not!"_

* * *

"Hey," Parker said to the blond girl behind him in line. "That's a lot of food."

Buffy cocked her head slightly. "Really? I hadn't thought about that."

"You eat that much every day?"

"Oh, no," Buffy said, shaking her head in disbelief. "This is just a snack."

Her winning smile was more than enough to get the human sexual predator interested.

* * *

"Harm! Go away!"

"Not until you get rid of her!" The rather stupid blond girl crossed he arms under her breasts and scowled at the dark haired young man as they walked across the UCSunnydale campus.

"Who?" Xander asked, a little confused.

"The evil step-mother!" When Harmony said this, it took Xander a while to realize whom she meant.

"Anya? -And I'm not your father!- Anya and I aren't married." Xander said, storming his way to campus where they were to meet the others. Harmony was walking right along beside him with a scowl on her face. Xander sighed. "Harm, Anya and I haven't even spoken since last year."

"You like her, I saw you looking at her!"

"HARM! She's a thousand year old former vengeance demon of scorned women! I don't think it's going to work out."

"Well isn't this cute," said a third voice. The Sorceress and the Warrior of Justice turned to see a little blond vamp and her minions spread out in a semi-circle around them, game-faces and all. "Here we were looking for a quick snack and it shows right up." She glanced Harmony over. "Leather and skulls. I like it in a bondage kind of way. I might keep you after I eat you."

Xander slid into a combat stance and noticed the shifting look on the vampires' faces. They had gone from smug and confident, and then to afraid and inching away. He was pretty sure that Xander, Warrior of Justice, sliding into World-Peace-Forever Stance in preparation for the 1000-Hands-of-Freedom Strike was not the reason. Glancing over to Harm, he saw her floating about a foot off the ground, her blond hair glowing and waving around her head as she chanted an arcane phrase. "FREEZE ARROW!" The next instant three of the minions were encased in ice and the sire was running away. "Don't interrupt when I'm talking to Daddy!"

"Dammit Harm!" He pulled a stake from his jacket and threw it at the escaping vampire, missing, but pinned her foot to the ground. He walked over and decked the vamp with a Goodwill-to-all-men Punch, knocking her to the ground. "So where's your lair?"

The blond vampire was about to protest until she saw Harmony float over. She quickly revealed all about her secret lair in the abandoned frat house. They staked the vamp and went off to see the others.

"I know it's a former Vamp nest, but, you know, we could move in there," Xander suggested absently. "Call it the Slay-Cave or something. No…Fortress of Slayatude?"

"Da-I mean, Xander, I think that's a great idea, I mean we could have a whole house all to ourselves. And we could have a magic laboratory and we'll never be apart."

"Harm, I'll be honest," Xander said, making sure to keep the blonde at least arms length away (if not more). "That really creeps me out."

* * *

The Next Morning

Two parents wandered through the grounds of the Campus, having arrived late to drop off their daughter to school. They paused, spotting the two vampires still encased in ice from Harmony the White Serpent's spell the night before. As the sun moved around the sky, the shadows pulled back and the vampires turned to dust inside the ice. One parent looked to the other with a confused look.

"You know," she said. "I just don't understand modern art."

* * *

The next day the entire Scooby Gang moved into the former vamp house because Willow had burned down the dorm. It took them weeks to get the smell out, but the amount of junk left behind paid for half the repairs.

Buffy's roommate, the crazy demon one with the Cher obsession, moved into the apartments the school bought around Sunnydale to house the homeless population. She stole the soul of Willow's old roommate and got on the honor roll.

Willow did tone things down a little after that, but not by much.

Months later

Everyone lost their voices. This was a bit of a problem as it prevented the Scooby Gang from casting anything but the most minor spells. Using writing and vague hand gestures, they understood a little more: The Gentlemen were in the town looking for hearts. It was the general consensus to tell them to "go fish" in as loud a voice as possible.

Buffy and friends followed them one night back to an abandoned house. Instead of fighting the creatures, she just flew up to the second story window and peaked inside. Glancing around, she spotted the enameled box and shattered the voice repository with one swing of her mace.

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" Harmony laughed as The Gentlemen's heads exploded in full view of the windows outside.

From the other side of the street, Riley Finn looked on, speechless for a totally different reason. Absently, the gun fell from his hand in shocked surprise. Long after the Scourge of Sunnydale had walked away, he picked up his radio and called Maggie Walsh. "Dr. Walsh, you wouldn't believe what I just saw."

* * *

"Hey, Buffy," Parker said. "Want to come back to my place? I can help you with your homework."

"Sorry Parker," Buffy said. "I only date dragons." She paused thinking a moment. "And vampires, but I think I'm over that phase."

* * *

FIREBALL!

"Geeze, you'd think they'd learn," Willow said at the partially incinerated army boys. "A girl doesn't like getting zapped."

They'd been followed for the last few weeks: army boys in green at night and a creepy feeling of being watched during the day. The last few days, they had been hunting them with little laser guns. Usually they missed, but every once in a while they would be able to hit it just right. Willow's new spell of anti-zapping was working well.

From the pile of guys in green, Buffy peeled off a charred mask. She looked up in surprise. "Hey! This guy looks familiar!"

"Of course he does," Willow said, rolling her eyes. "He was our TA in Psych 101."

"Awe-Man! What if Professor Walsh is in on this?" Buffy said.

"They are clearly impeding on Justice," Xander said, striking a pose. "Perhaps we should remind them of the proper course of action?"

* * *

Playing opossum, Riley rolled over as soon as they were out of sight. "Agent Finn to base?"

"Go ahead Finn."

"We've got a security breach," Finn said sheepishly.

"Crap! Who was it?"

"Well, uh, me actually," said Finn dumbly. "You, uh, might want to tell Dr. Walsh that our covers are blown."

"HER cover's blown?" came the exclamation over the radio. "How'd that happen?"

"They kinda figured it out for themselves."

"That totally sucks."

"Can the slang Kowalski."

There was a sound of boots clicking together. "Yes, sir!"

* * *

"Maggie Walsh is dead," announced Riley Finn. There was a common gasp of shock through the crowd. "She was killed by something heavy that crushed her skull. We think it was this." Pressing a button, an image of Buffy beating a pitiful fyarl demon into the ground appeared on the screen. The screen flicked to show an image of Buffy and Willow peeling the pants off a bawling vampire desperately clinging to his headstone. The image changed again to show Buffy punting a spiky demon in the buttocks. Another flick of the button revealed Buffy and Xander hitting a humanoid snake demon in the stomach. Harmony stands laughing while her high heel pierces the heart of a downed vampire. The last image showed the entire group posing as if they knew the camera was there. All of them flashed a V for Victory. "We are now looking to apprehend Buffy Summers and her known associates."

"Buffy Summers? She's friends with the Scourge of Sunnydale isn't she?"

"She-Who-Stalks-The-Night? The Clothes Stealer?"

"That creepy redhead she's hanging out with?"

"I thought we were talking about the creepy guy who hangs out on rooftops."

"I heard they blew up their high school for fun."

"It doesn't matter! I don't want to go anywhere near them!"

"The blond is hot." There was a moment of silence as everyone looked at Forrest as if he were crazy. He shrugged defensively. "I'm just saying."

* * *

Surveying the Initiative base, Willow was quite angry as she observed the holding units filled with vampires and demons.

"I knew it!"

"You knew that there was a clandestine semi-military base under the college?" Harmony asked. Everyone gave her a strange look. "Daddy has me reading GI Joe comics."

"Ah…" was the collective response of understanding.

"No," Willow said, answering the previous question. "I knew the vampire population was going down. I haven't been able to pawn nearly as much stuff and it's seriously cutting into the budget."

She looked down at the base thoughtfully. "I wonder what military surplus goes for these days?"

The sheer impact of that many people facefaulting shook the Initiative enough to alert the general populace to their arrival. Escape was managed by the incineration of a large wall and the rubble collapsing after it.

* * *

ADAM was investigating the area. He was not sure what his purpose was and he found everything so interesting. He also felt alone. After much deliberation, he was going to make more of himself. He had spread the word. The demons knew him and knew he meant what he said. But he would need spare parts.

A cyborg walked into the demon bar and was surprised to find it remarkably empty aside from the bad joke. Besides the human behind the bar and a kitten poker game in the back, Willy's was deserted.

"I am looking for a few volunteers to become greater than they are," ADAM announced to the four heavy gamblers (it was a twenty kitten game). They just looked back at the cyborg and stared. "You fear death and the Slayer, but you can go beyond that. I can make you Better, Stronger, Faster. I have the technology."

The four demons looked at him like he was crazy.

"N00BZ," they said with a shake of their heads (or noodley appendage that serves for a head).

Unsure of how to proceed, ADAM caught some kittens and pulled up to the table. Clem dealt him in.

* * *

Eventually, ADAM did get a few people interested in what he had to say. These were either neophytes or demons moving into the town having been attracted to the Hellmouth. These he encouraged to be captured by the Initiative to further his plans and added to the locals the Initiative continued to catch. Eventually he was ready to put his plan into action.

However, rumors, even in an institution such as the Initiative, have a way of taking hold.

"I heard they come from another world," said one vampire. "They've come here to enslave humanity and they see us as the biggest threat towards that goal. They used to rule here, but the Slayer chased them away millennia ago through some Gate to the Stars."

"Well, I heard that they're Old Ones, reincarnated on earth and housed in human shells," said another demon of indeterminate species and sex. He/She/It had tentacles, spikes and a mouth, but no one ever knew what it was. "They're going to bring about a new realm of demons on the earth, but that any tainted by humanity would be destroyed."

"But what about the Mayor?"

"Maybe they don't like competition?"

"I heard that their leader, the redheaded sorceress, is so terrifying that shoggoths fear to step in her shadow," put in a former member of the Sunnydale Swim Team.

"The one in the bikini, the one with the large -uh- with the skulls?" commented another vampire (many other demons nodded in appreciation), "Well, she has a laugh so terrible that it can shatter minds and explode skulls."

"Yeah, and the dark haired kid punched Angelus so hard he went through a building and out the other side," added another. "The Scourge of Europe actually turned tail and ran after that."

"I heard that the short chick is really a dragon that ate the Slayer," commented a particularly eloquent Fyarl demon. "Afterwards, she took the Slayer's form and lives as a human while it suits her purpose."

"What about the old man and the short one that hangs out with them?" asked a fledgling vamp.

"The old man's a warlock that's kept himself alive for centuries," answered another vampire with a matter-of-fact tone. "He feeds on vampires like we feed on humans."

"But the short one?"

There was a communal shudder of horror among those who remembered a certain October 31st.

"I don't know about you," said one werewolf named Veruca, "but I heard from my boyfriend that it all started as a Halloween prank. They wore costumes of some anime characters and gained their power when some warlock or chaos mage cast a spell making people take the forms of their costumes. When the spell was broken, some of it stuck."

"That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"Yeah! What a load of crap!"

"The Onion writes more realistic stuff!"

Most of the more worldly demons agreed. There was a period of silence as they all pondered the implications of the Onion being an accurate source of news.

"…Don't you guys miss the Slayer?"

There was a resounding sigh through the cellblocks.

"…yeah…"

* * *

The actual confrontation was fraught with peril for the Initiative. The lights off, the cells unlocked, demons, vampires, various other forces of darkness and Veruca all tried to get out at the same time. The soldiers responded with hot lead, trying to see by the dim and poorly places emergency lights.

When a bright red light starting shining, at first neither the demons nor the humans questioned it, but it only took one to notice the growing sphere of magical power growing between a certain sorceress' hands.

The demons looked between the Scourge of Sunnydale and the Initiative. They picked up the soldiers and brushed off their BDUs. The demons promptly marched back to their cells and locked themselves in.

"Buffy, you owe me five bucks!" Willow said with a grin. "I told you they wouldn't know the difference between a light spell and a fireball!"

Confused by the sudden lack of commotion, ADAM poked his head out the door to his secret lab. Finding himself confronted by the Scourge of Sunnydale (Buffy, Willow, Harmony, Xander, Giles, Amy and Jonothan), he stepped out, prepared to convert his hand into a chain gun.

They stared at him in disbelief.

"Wait a minute…" Jonothan said hesitantly.

Experiment 314 puffed himself up to look intimidating. "I am A-"

"ZELGADIS!"

"Er what?" said the human-demon-cyborg eloquently in pure unadulterated confusion.

* * *

"We survived!" cried one of the agents. He clung to his teammate who patted him on the head.

"It's okay, the scary freshmen went away. It's okay. There, there," his teammate said reassuringly. "Cry if you need to."

* * *

There were celebratory drinks that night. Many, many celebratory drinks. There were dreams about cheese, dreams about tall blonds with long hair, dreams about massively powerful balls of green energy and dreams about a primordial Rasta-Slayers making out with a dragon wearing a bow on her tail. In the morning, Xander awoke to a splitting headache. A moment later he discovered he was not alone in bed. Glancing over he realized a very naked Harmony was clinging to his equally naked side.

His next words summed up everything perfectly. "This is so wrong."


	3. Season 5

**Season 5**

* * *

_October 1998, a month that will live on in INFAMY!  
_

Eleven-year-old Dawn Summers walked into Ethan's Costume shop knowing exactly what costume she wanted.

"Now, your sister and her friends have their costumes, what would you like, young lady," asked the nice British man. He leaned down so he could look at her face to face. Dawn Summers put her fists on her hips and looked him squarely in the eyes.

"I want to be a princess," she said firmly.

"Well, I think I have just the costume," Ethan said, pulling a princessly dress off a rack and handed it to the girl.

* * *

_NOW:_

"I am Dracula," said the handsome vampire in the stylishly out of date costume said.

"Duh, like forty others," Buffy said rolling her eyes.

"What? No, I am truly Dracula," the vampire said.

"Granted you do it better than the others," Willow said with a shrug.

"Aren't you supposed to have a Renfeld here or something?" Xander asked.

Dracula snapped his fingers. A moment a dazed, spider eating Harmony floated out, looking about half stoned. "_What is your bidding my master?"_

"Oh," Xander said in surprise. "…Do you want to keep her?"

"Xander!" his companions chided. Willow tapped him on the back of the head.

"He needs to pay for her first," she explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "She's worth _at least_ a few grand."

* * *

"Dru left me for a slime demon," a drunken Spike said.

"Where is she?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, she's down in LA with the Ponce and the cheerleader," Spike said. "Slime demon works at the karaoke demon bar the Ponce sometimes goes to. The Slayers tend to hang out there too."

"Angel can sing?"

Spike started shaking, seemingly not noticing where he was. A moment later the voice that came from his mouth was weak and traumatized. "No! No! Not 'Mandy' Stop! Make it _Bloody_ stop!" Soon the vampire crawled into a fetal position and cowered on the ground. "_Please, please, please, please…"_

Buffy turned to the others. "Even if he is a horrible vampire, he doesn't deserve that."

* * *

"Two Daddies?" Harmony asked in a tone people usually reserve for when they win the lottery. The other Scourge, er, Scoobies, stepped away as the blonde sorceress started to drool all over her skulls.

The idea of the demon's splitting-Xander ray was not the most pleasant to most others, but they understood the attraction to a certain degree.

"No, not going to happen, never, don't think of it, just go away," both Xanders said in unison.

* * *

"Guys, I think Dawn's a glowing ball of energy," Harmony said. Everyone looked at her like she was crazy. She looked right at Xander and glared. "I'm serious!"

"Doesn't change the fact you're bloody wacked," Spike said, stealing something from the Summers fridge. "You got any more of that pig's blood? Mine's ran out."

"Spike, we don't keep any blood in the fridge," Joyce said.

"Then what did I drink last night?" Spike asked, stroking his chin.

"I'm _serious_! Dawn's a glowing ball of energy!" Harmony said sharply. "She's not even supposed to exist!"

"Buff, pass the potatoes please," asked Willow, ignoring the beskulled sorceress.

"It's not nice to call me names or make fun of me," Dawn said, sticking out her tongue at the scantily clad sorceress.

"Indeed, I thought better of you," Giles said, serving himself a plate of good food. "Perhaps you should consider your words before speaking them. Of course, that would be making the assumption that you actually think, so perhaps I should not have such high hopes for your social skill evolution."

"I'll have a turkey, ADAM," Willow said, sticking her head into the kitchen. The government made cyborg dutifully pulled another turkey from the oven and passed it to the redhead.

"Certainly. I tried a balsamic glaze this time, it should eliminate the previous dryness," ADAM said, slicing a smaller turkey for the less ravenous members of the Scooby gang. He at once noticed the breast was a little too pink for peak health. Concentrating, he transformed his hand into a grill to finish it off. Satisfied with the result, he placed it on the platter and glanced in the refrigerator for the special sauce he had made the previous day. "Spike, I believe the bottle you drank was my dark gravy and sherry."

"I suppose that could explain a few things," the vampire admitted before sinking his teeth into the live turkey ADAM had supplied for the guest. Everyone was eating (save for ADAM, but he didn't need to) and having a grand old time until Harmony stood up and screamed.

"WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME?"

"_Because you're crazy!"_ was the unanimous response from the others.

There was a long moment of glaring and silence around the table. ADAM sighed.

"…I was saving that sherry."

* * *

"So there's this Glory person who keeps bugging me," Buffy said. "I have to admit, she's pretty strong, but Betsey keeps her away."

"Betsey?" Xander asked. Buffy pointed to her mace. "You named your mace?"

"Yup," Buffy said leaning back in her chair. "Glory keeps wanting to know where her key is and I keep telling her to look under the doormat. I dunno what the key's for."

"Bank box?"

"Secret diary?"

"A safe?"

"Love dungeon?" Everyone looked at Harmony. Their collective expression was one part confusion, two parts annoyance and three parts I-don't-want-to-know. Willow looked at Xander with a raised eyebrow. The Warrior of Justice denied everything.

"I know nothing," Giles said. Harmony opened her mouth to explain, but the Watcher cut her off. "Nor do I _want _to know."

"So I told her I'd look for it and I'd tell her if I found it," Buffy said. "Then I asked her what it looked like."

"Let me guess," Willow said as she munched on a turkey leg, "She didn't know?"

"Got it in one," Buffy said. "I told her I doubted it was hers if she didn't know what it looked like. And then she punched me through a wall."

"Well, I guess that explains all the concrete dust on my sweater," Joyce said dryly.

"Sorry Mom!"

"It's okay, I only bought that special."

"I'm really, really sorry."

* * *

"Look Mom! Buffy caught a snake man!"

"That's nice Dawn," Joyce said, reading a book.

"Can we keep him?"

"Are you going to take care of him?" her mother asked. "Giles tells me that reptile demons can take a lot of care, especially the coldblooded ones."

"I promise I'll feed him every day. I'll even take him for walks."

"Well…"Joyce said, obviously thinking it over. "Talk to Xander about having a pen made."

"Thank you Mom!" Dawn gave her mother a big hug and ran out of the room. "Mom says we can keep him! Do you think he eats live rats?"

* * *

"We are the Knights of Byzantium," said the knight.

"Wait right there!" Xander said. "I'll be back in almost no time."

He ran off and sure enough, Xander came back with two bundles under his arms. He handed them to the Knights as he tried to catch his breath.

"There you go. Two shrubberies. And I'll do the Herring thing tomorrow."

* * *

"Buffy, Dawn," Joyce said. "There's something we need to talk about."

"What's up?"

"I have a brain tumor. The doctors just told me," Joyce said.

"_Recovery!_" Buffy said, casting a healing spell.

"Thanks, my headache's gone," Joyce said, "But I still have to go in tomorrow for more tests."

**The next day**

"Hey," one of the doctors said, calling Ben over. He was pointing to a computer screen. "Wasn't there a tumor here yesterday?"

"I thought so," Ben said. "It's not?"

"Nope."

"Are we being pranked?"

"Yeah, because I could really use _another _malpractice suit."

"I know, really."

* * *

"The Council wants to inspect us to determine if it is safe to share information with us," Giles said. He glanced back at the Watchers and noticed one missing. "Nigel, where's Quentin?"

"I don't know, he just took one look at the redhead and took off running," the watcher said.

"Not very professional," chided Lydia. Giles chuckled to himself, causing the other watchers to look at him funny. "What?"

"Nothing, just a private joke," Giles said before laughing again. Then he doubled up and fell to the floor laughing.

"I suppose you had to be there."

* * *

"So, Spike, I did my thesis work on you," Lydia said.

"Really?"

"Oh yes."

"So I suppose you want to know every little quaint detail," the vampire said.

"Oh yes, every intimate detail," she said. Spike gave her a once over with his eyes.

"Fancy a shag?"

"Oh YES!"

* * *

"So, Xander, what do you do?"

"I am a Warrior of Justice," Xander said, striking a pose. "And a carpenter."

* * *

"Harmony, how do you assist the Slayer?"

"…" Harmony replied. After almost laughing enough to make the watcher's ears bleed, she chose to continue. "Buffy couldn't do a thing without me, neither could Willow."

"How so?"

"I make their lives more worth living by being so bountiful and higher class," the sorceress said in a haughty tone while emphasizing her "bounty." Harmony the White Serpent laughed again. Glancing down at their notes, they added a comment about the painful laugh. They supposed it could be used in a number of situations. At the very least it could drive someone to suicide.

* * *

"Amy, I understand that you are an accomplished witch?" a handsome male watcher inquired.

"I've been learning. I haven't mastered everything yet," Amy admitted.

"I understand that your mother once took over your body?"

"Yeah," Amy said sadly. "I didn't really have any choice, but I use her as a paperweight now. She's good for those long scrolls that always roll back up, you know?"

"I completely understand. Those buggers always drive me up the wall," the young watcher agreed.

* * *

"And you, Mr. Levenson," Lydia asked. "What is your area of expertise?"

"Oh, I'm Jonathan, Mysterious Priest!"

"So you make the holy water?"

"Nope."

"So you bless their weapons?"

"Not exactly."

"Do you do anything for them?"

"Now, _that_, Miss Watcher," the boy said, wagging a finger, "is a secret!"

* * *

"Mr. ADAM," a dark haired watcher began. "As a demonic-human-cyborg, how do you feel when surrounded by non-cyborgs?"

"Completely confused," the cyborg admitted. "Humans and demons are completely confusing."

"Could you give an example of what confuses you?"

"Of course," ADAM replied. "I do not understand money. I have no needs. Perhaps in years when my reactor needs replacing, but for the time being, I have no needs. Young Willow's obsession with money perplexes me."

"But you are not upset at being alone?"

"I will always have my cooking."

"You cook?"

"Yes, quite recently, I've been working on a Karnath demon blood and currant reduction on chicken breast, but I can't seem to get it quite right," the cyborg admitted. "I think I may need the Karnath blood a bit fresher, but Joyce doesn't allow me to bring them into the house anymore."

"Joyce?"

"Summers," the cyborg explained. "Dawn's snake-man got a hold of the thing and it was a week before we got the mess out of the rug."

"What's for dinner tonight?"

"Savory lamb patties with a red wine and octopus ink marinade," ADAM answered proudly. "We recently recovered a young ram in a dark ritual and it was something I've been meaning to try. The hard part is managing the balance of flavors."

* * *

"Quentin," Lydia said to the Head Watcher. "You need to come out from under the desk."

"No! They're _there_! I _know _they're _there_! You can't fool me!"

"Bloody Hell, Quentin!" Giles said, rolling his eyes. "You've been under that desk for five days! I'd like to actually get some work done!" The former librarian bent down to look at the Head Watcher cowering under the desk. "If you don't come out right now, I'll have to ask Willow-"

A certain Mr. Travers managed to run out of the room fast enough to send the papers flying into air in his wake. Sporting a grin, Giles glanced back to the surprised Watcher looking in the direction Quentin Travers has used for his escape. "Miss Lydia. You simply need to offer him the right suggestions."

* * *

"Spiky, I'm back," Drusilla said from the doorway of the Summers house.

"I see that Dru," Spike said, a little hesitant to go back to her so soon.

"I made a mistake Spiky, my Spiky," She said rubbing up against his chest. "Slimy always smiled. No matter how much I hurt it, Slimy always smiled. And then Miss Edith spoke of a dragon quest. You won't smile if I hurt you, will you Spiky?"

"No, I suppose I won't," admitted Spike.

"I've missed you, Spiky," Drusilla. "You never smile when you hurt."

"Are you sure you've still got your soul?"

[ AN: http: / fountaindew . Com / blog / wp-content / uploads / 2009 / 05 / slime . Jpg ]

* * *

"You made a robot girlfriend?"

"Yeah, but she wasn't all she was cracked up to be," replied Warren.

"How are you with cyborgs?" Buffy asked.

* * *

Olaf the Troll God looked at the wenches before him. They did not look like they were here for merry sport. In fact, their expressions closely resembled Anyanka's face before she cursed him into Trolldom. He looked at the three blondes (Buffy, Harmony and Tara) and the redhead (Willow, obviously), each floating about a foot off the floor and glowing with arcane power.

"I think I'll just go to the pub for a mead," he said pointing towards the door. He started edging towads the exit just to be on the safe side.

* * *

"Bad Snake man!" Dawn said, chiding the reptile currently spitting out bones in their back yard. "You know Glory's minions always make you sick to your stomach!"

The pitiful creature whined and Dawn couldn't help but pet it. "I'm sorry, but you really need to be better. Hey, I know! Let's go to Willy's and you can eat anyone you catch?"

The snake-man hugged her close and licked her face with glee. "Oh, you're so silly!"

* * *

Recently built by crazy people, the tower was destroyed by arguably crazier people. Namely these were Buffy, Willow, Xander and Harmony, although they had help from one of the newer members of the Scourge of Sunnydale, er…the Scooby Gang.

"Now Glory! You'll feel the wrath of LORD ZOAMELGUSTAR!" Dawn called out a moment before she stabbed a dagger carved with useless but arcane-looking runes into a piece of Glory's favorite dress. "MUWAHAHAHAHAH! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Glory, about to hit Buffy, suddenly contorted backwards into a very painful-looking clump of limbs and red satin. Surprised, Buffy jumped back a step. Willow glanced at Glory, then at Buffy and then at Dawn.

"You know Buffy?" said Willow while she dragonslaved a demon minion. "Sometimes Dawnie scares me."

Buffy lazily looked over to where Dawn Summers gloated over her incapacitation of the Hell Goddess who was still writhing on the ground. "Yeah, sometimes I guess."

ADAM, ignoring the youngest Summer's antics, simply cut up another demon minion. His mind was on other things, like how he could get on Iron Chef as a contestant.

As the other members of the Scooby Gang dealt with the minions, a certain member walked purposefully up to Glorificus and leaned down to whisper in her ear.

"Glory, Glory, Glory…" Jonathan said in a pitying tone. "You really shouldn't have done this. You see, we Mazoku cannot allow you to destroy the world by accident because we want to destroy it intentionally. But before that, we want to enjoy ourselves for as long as possible. For that you have to die."

Jonathan smiled as Glory had just a spark of fear cross her face. He covered her mouth and nose as she changed back into Ben. The nurse struggled for a while before falling in a pile on the ground. Jonothan stood up with a satisfied smile as he brushed off his hands on his pants.

"Glory's dead guys!" He yelled out, pointing to Ben's corpse. Dawn claimed it as her own source of glory (pun intended) and cackled with righteous glee. The primary threat eliminated, the Scourge of Sunnydale, sorry, I meant the Scooby Gang, used their normal level of excessive violence to eliminate the rest of the minions. Which is to say, they destroyed the minions utterly.

"Lord Zoamelgustar wins again, heh heh heh," cackled the brunette girl as she ran down the stairs. Standing triumphantly over the corpse, she pulls the dagger from the hem and brandishes it in the air. Flipping the "cursed" dagger in the air, she missed it on the catch and it flew right into her foot. Blood coursed with magical power and the portals to other worlds opened up.

"Awe crap," said Buffy. She angrily pointed at her sister. "You're in big trouble as soon as I get back!"

The power running through the portal was too great, and Buffy's corpse fell to the ground.

"_RESURRECTION!_" called out a sweet southern voice. As the Scourge of Sunnydale looked at the owner of the voice, Tara McClay shrank back. Buffy's body arched back and took a deep, harsh breath as her soul was forced back into her body and her heart started up once more. The blond witch stammered cutely. "S-s-sorry. B-Buffy's been t-teaching me some sp-spells."

Willow grinned and put an arm over the southern witch's shoulder. "You know, ever since Halloween a while back, I've had a thing for blondes with long hair. Why don't we talk about that some?"

"What about me?" asked Harmony, slightly offended.

"_Smart_ blondes with long hair," Willow corrected. "I'm not completely like Lina."

Tara just smiled shyly and sweetly. Everyone nodded warmly as they left in a group. ADAM, learning more about demon physiology from the corpses, suddenly realized he was alone.

"Where's everybody gone?" he asked. "I was gonna make espresso."

* * *

"Oz, there's something I need to tell you," Veruca said hesitantly.

"What is it?" he asked as he tuned his guitar.

"You know how we had that bad patch right after I got out of the Initiative and it took a few months before we got back together?"

"Yeah, is this about you getting pregnant?" He was a werewolf; his sense of smell told him that much.

"Um, yes, yes it is," Veruca said. "Well, we weren't together then, so something happened at Willy's bar. I kinda had an affair with a troll."

"And now you're pregnant with half troll, half werewolf babies?"

"Yeah."

Oz looked at her intently. He held her shoulders with a firm, but comforting grip. "Whatever you do, never, _ever_ let Willow name them."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: And you all thought Dawn was going to be Amelia! Tut-tut!


End file.
